You Know How to Make Me Stay
by Ominousmagic
Summary: What happens when something life changing happens to Castle without his consent? Will the walls that kept him structured fall to pieces? It's all up to one person. Rated T for future chapters and language. AU.
1. Chapter 1

**You Know How to Make Me Stay**

**A/N- Soo, here is my first story. I'm not quite sure on how long it is going to be but I guess we will see! All mistakes are mine and please tell me if I made a mistake! Yeah, so this chapter is kinda short but the other ones will be longer. I pinky promise! I'm kinda feeling that this takes place in season 4 but not anywhere in particular. So some spoilers for season 1, 2, and 3? AU.**

**I do not own Castle. If I did, why in the wold would I be writing fanfiction when I could be out eating with Nathan Fillion and the gang? Chinese maybe?**

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><p>"Good morning, detective."<p>

His voice sounded very much not well, not like Castle; It was an unusual blend of sadness, confusion, and disappointment. He placed the steaming hot mug on top of her desk and took his usual seat in his chair. He leaned his head back, and closed his eyes for no more than a second thinking that it would not worry Beckett. Too late.

"Castle, are you okay?"

He should have known he couldn't get anything past her. She was after all, a trained detective but even more than that, she was Kate; his best friend. He should tell her, but he couldn't, not even if he tried. This was an important choice that affected his life and he didn't even have a say in it. "Yeah," He finally managed. This was definitely not the time.

She opened her mouth to respond but was interrupted when Esposito walked up to them, a file in hand. "Beckett, we got a fresh one in central Park." She gave Castle an "I hope so" glance before standing up and grabbing her coat. "What is with central park and murders?" Esposito shrugged to Beckett's question and held open the elevator door to Castle who was slowly walking behind them.

Since Castle had brought his own car that day, he insisted on taking it to the crime scene since he wanted to go home afterwards because he "wanted to write a few chapters in _Nikki Heat_". She rode alone and it felt odd. Sure she had ridden to many crime scenes alone before but not once since Rick Castle had came into her life had she not missed his incessant tapping on the dashboard or his guesses on how he thought the murderer would have killed this victim, (Which were always obscured and never right) and his reply to her glares would always be "Well! That's how I would write it". But she would never admit that, that would only expand - his already big ego - through the roof.

When she arrived, she glanced around and saw Lanie leaning over the corpse with a clipboard in hand and pen buried in her chin. "Hey, Lanie."

She glanced up and smiled, "Hey, girl."

"What do we have?"

"Well, Native American Male, Mid 40s, small caliber through the chest-" Dr. Parish noticed that Kate seemed to be distracted. "Where's writer boy?"

"He was going to take his own car here, he should be here by now-" Kate said as she reached inside her jacket pocket to the vibration of her phone; it was Castle.

**Sorry, inspiration hit. See you tomorrow? **

She sent him a quick reply.

**Yeah, see you tomorrow.**

She was a little disappointed but she couldn't show it, she had to find the killer so the family and the victim could have the justice that she wasn't able to have. She looked back up at Lanie, "Its actually just going to be me," She held up her phone, "Inspiration hit," She said, quoting Castle's words.

"Well, this one shouldn't be so hard," She trailed her glove-covered hand to the victim's belt, and pointed at a large piece of fabric, "It's not our victim's."

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><p>As he closed his car door, his body sank even more into the plush leather seats. This was going to be a lot harder that he could have ever imagined… and then some. He placed his hands on the steering wheel and turned his keys, but he didn't move. He sat there, second after second, and seconds turned to minutes. Before he knew it, he had been sitting there for almost 10 minutes just, thinking. What <em>would Kate say? Would she be happy for him? Would she be angry?<em> Worst of all, _would she not care?_ No, there's no way. They were friends, of course she would care; _he_ would care. He couldn't shake that thought.

It was then that he realized he couldn't see her, not now, anyway. So, in being a writer, he came up with the best excuse that she would hopefully understand. Castle grabbed out his phone and steadily sent her a text, for he didn't know if he could trust his voice right now.

**Sorry, inspiration hit. See you tomorrow?** Damn, had he meant for that to be a question? He waited anxiously for a few seconds when his phone chimed and he opened the message.

**Yeah, see you tomorrow **Phew.


	2. Chapter 2

"Any I.D?" Beckett asked as Ryan and Esposito walked towards her, evidence bag in hand.

Esposito held bag at eye level, "Yeah, he was known as 'Achak' but his legal, or I guess adopted name was Jacob Bamburg," he noticed the lack of a certain someone's shadow, "Where's Castle?"

"Jeez, he had to go do his job; you know he does actually have one that doesn't involve annoying me, Esposito."

She hadn't meant to snap at him but she didn't get why people thought that she and Castle were conjoined and when they were apart, she was given funny looks. _Where was this coming from? _After all, what she said was true, very true. He did have work besides shadowing her and that was how he put bread on the table for his family,(even though he had enough dough to put bread on thousands of New Yorker's tables), he loved his work and that was why he still continued writing. Was she mad at him? No, absolutely not. She had absolutely no reason to be.

This was ridiculous. She massaged her temples with two fingers and looked back up at her other partners. "Sorry."

Esposito smiled widely at Beckett before patting her back, "S'okay, Beckett, I know you've only had like what, only one cup of coffee today?"

"Ha ha, you got me." Her tone was very monotone and sarcastic.

"Hey, at least I got you to smile, Beckett." He said.

She had not even noticed the grin that had spread across her face until Esposito had pointed it out. It was nice to know that she had great friends that she could count on and that made her happy, no matter where, or under the circumstances (in this case, over a dead body, literally).

"Time of death?"

Lanie stood up from leaning over the body and brushed her hands against her jeans, wiping away all of the dirt that had stuck to her from the ground. "Well based on temperature and Lividity, I would say probably in between two and four this morning. I may be able to give you a more exact time l when I get him back to the lab."

Her brows furrowed at Lanies suggested T.O.D, this was central park; even in the middle of the night, someone was around. She could only come up with one reasonable explanation, "Was the gun found?" Her eyes were fixated on the evidence bag Ryan was holding. She continued, "Our murderer had to have used a silencer, this isn't even a concealed place," Her arms moved in every direction to show where they were. They were almost right next to the entrance of the Central Park zoo.

"Beckett." Ryan interrupted.

"Did you find it?"

"Uniforms are canvassing the area now, but I have something even better." The smile that covered his face reminded her of a kid at the science fair who had just won first place.

"Spit it out, Ryan." Sometimes she felt like such a mother to both of them.

He started to unzip the bag, "While we were waiting for you to get here, I saw this lying a few feet from him," He gestured to Bamburg, "It's a note, wait no, it's a death threat that reads:" he cleared his throat. If this was as good as he was portraying, she would never hear the end of it. "Give me what I want. Yes. You know what it is. Have it for me at Central park, 3 o'clock or I will find you and kill you."

"Good job, Ryan. Would you like a sticker or a piece of candy?" She took the letter from him, snatched the bag from his other hand and handed them to a uniform that was standing close by. "Get these over to ballistics to check for prints, will ya?" He nodded, took the bag and walked away. "I will meet you boys back at the precinct."

As she headed to her car, she heard debating between Esposito and Ryan.

"Dude, a piece of candy is way better than a sticker."

"No way, Candy can give you cavities."

"Bro, look at what Jenny has done to you, you're like a teeth hygiene freak now!"

"Shut up."

She laughed at their pointless conversation, stepped into her car, and began the ride back to the precinct.

000000

Slowly, he twisted his keys in the lock until heard the oh-too-familiar click and slowly made his way inside his desolate loft. He kicked off his expensive shoes and let his coat drop quickly to the floor. Alexis was at school and Martha was out somewhere- maybe Broadway. He really couldn't remember right now. He couldn't write right now or do anything else for that matter; but he needed to desperately.

Gina was already getting on him about having his final draft ready to be sent out to the editors in just a few days. He didn't know how to end it. Of course Nikki and Rook would have to solve the case and celebrate but this had to end with a twist. He needed to show that not everything is as it seems, even when it all adds up and even the best of people make a mistake now and again; some more than others. Rick sunk into the couch and turned the television on to a random channel, but he didn't pay any attention to it.

His stomach interrupted his thoughts and he didn't feel like cooking, so he quickly dialed the first pizza place that he could think of. In the mean time, he went into his room and changed into a pair of sweatpants and a Storm Fall T-Shirt. He wasn't planning on going anywhere today, so he rinsed out the little gel he put into his hair that morning.

By the time he was done, he was having battles with his stomach about being the only noise he couldn't block out, and the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, he was surprised to see a college kid with his jaw slacked open.

"Hello?" Castle asked quietly.

The dumfounded, blond haired boy finally managed to speak. "Oh uh, order for Jameson?"

"Yes."

The boy could keep in his excitement anymore, "Richard Castle!"

Great; it wasn't that he didn't love his fans, but he really wasn't up for company right now, let alone let this boy have a memory of Richard Castle like this.

"Yeah, and your name is?"

"M…Mark Doller..Mr.C..Castle," He handed Rick his pizza and got out his tip book, "I love your work a lot, could I have your autograph, please?"

Rick took the notepad and quickly wrote something down something along the lines of "You can be anything you want to be if you put your mind to it". Along with his notebook, Rick handed him a 5 dollar bill.

"Thank you, and enjoy your p…pizza" Castle was amazed at how he made this boy trip over his words like a detective he cou-

No, he could not go there; not now. He let the smell of the veggie pizza fill his nose as he grabbed a Diet Coke from the fridge. This was good. He was relaxed…for the most part.

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><p><strong>AN: Thank you SO much for all of the story alerts I received in my email in the past few days! I really didn't know if anyone would be interested (Cliché, I know) but still! I also know that this chapter really didn't give away anything…much… but just know that this story will also show the development in the case. It might or might not be relevant…mmmm. Hehehe Anyway, I might not get to update (maybe) until Sunday or Monday just because of this big test thing in Algebra II eh, yeah, I know. **

**Oh yeah, side note! It took me like 20 minutes of researching online to find a Native American Name that works, so if it doesn't, I'm really sorry but please tell me and I will fix it!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own castle. Plain and simple. **


	3. Chapter 3

She watched intently as the fingerprints went through everyone in their system. She really didn't want this to be a long grueling case and in order for that not to happen, the fingerprints they found on the death threat would have to be someone they already had in the computer. A few seconds later, the computer beeped with the sign "0 matches found" and she sighed.

"Damn it!" She slapped her hand against the table and grabbed out her phone. "I'm going to go see if Lanie found anything." She walked towards the elevator but stopped and turned to face Ryan. "Hey, why don't you go and see if he had any problems with the people at his work." He nodded.

Dowtown, she hit the elevator button to the floor of the morgue and leaned against the back wall. 'This case would be a lot less stressful if Castle were here,' She thought. The doors dinged and then opened. As she walked out into the morgue, her phone rang.

"Beckett."

"I found something. You might want to get down here." She could hear Lanie breathing heavily into the phone. Had she been running?

"Lanie, are you okay? It sounds like you have been running."

"Oh, um, I'm fine."

"Okay, I will see you in a few, bye Lanie."

Beckett glanced up from the floor to look for examination room 2, when she saw a familiar Hispanic man turn the corner and bump into her.

"Esposito?"

"Beckett?" He looked embarrassed and out of breath (also?). "What are you doing down here?"

"Lanie called and said she found something. Wait, did she tell you first? No she _always_ tells me first. Esposito, again, what are you doing down h…" Her voice trailed off when she noticed the smeared lipstick over his face. "You know what, never mind. I will meet you back upstairs after I talk with Lanie."

"Yeah, okay Beckett."

With that, he walked away towards the elevator. Beckett couldn't help but quietly laugh at the fact that his shirt was as wrinkled as much as a turtle (unlike 15 minutes earlier, when she last saw him), and his short hair was in as much disarray as its length could allow. Oh, Lanie would have some explaining-or should she say _Esplaining_ to do.

Thinking of Esplaine made her think of Castle. Should she call him and give him an update about the case? Or is the fact that "inspiration hit", meant that he didn't want to talk to anyone because it would disrupt him. No, this was a murder; of course he would be interested. She decided that she would call him after she talked to Lanie.

She turned the next corner and walked into the room where Lanie was writing vigorously on her clipboard. "Lanie?" Her head shot up immediately.

"Hey, Beckett," She moved around the table and put on a new pair of gloves, "You got here fast."

"Yeah, I was already on my way down when you called," Lanie blushed and opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out. "We will most definitely talk about it later, but right now tell me what you found.

She nodded. "So turns out, I lied. This is not going to be an easy one." She moved around to the right side of Mr. Bamburg and uncovered his neck, revealing a set of ligature marks. "I didn't see this at the crime scene because of the turtle neck he was wearing."

Beckett examined them closer. "What are you saying, Lanie?"

She sighed, "Well, I'm saying that the strangulation was his cause of death. The gunshot was done _post-_mortem_._"

Beckett's head dropped back onto her neck; she closed her eyes and breathed out, letting her lips tremble as the sound passed them. Why would the murderer want to cover up the actual cause of death? It took her a few moments but she figured it out.

"Was there any evidence found from the rope, because really, that's the only logical reason for shooting him after he was already dead, right?"

"Well, I'm not quite sure; my guess is as good as yours. I was although, able to trace the rope fibers. Turns out it is from the lizard exhibit in the Central Park Zoo."

"That's at least something to go on; thanks Lanie." She began heading towards the door, "If anything else happens, call me. But, um, wait until Esposito leaves, okay, please?

The blush returned to her face, "You got it, Kate. Go update writer boy," Kate began to talk but was interrupted, "Mmhmm"

(&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&)

After updating Ryan and Esposito, she grabbed her purse and headed into the break room. She plopped herself on the couch and searched for her phone. She put in speed dial #2 and listened to the monotone ring that filled her ear.

It rang a few times and went to voicemail-"Heeeelllooo! You have not reached Richard Castle, novelist extraordinaire. I'm terribly sorry I wasn't here to answer your call, I, well most likely I am off solving a murder, or a simply in the bathroom! If you choose to leave a message, I shall listen to it and call you ba-" the line cut off (most likely from the message being too long). Kate laughed, for this was the first time she went to his voicemail and the first time she didn't hang up after the beep that suggested he wasn't there. She wasn't one to leave a voicemail simply because to her, it became a very awkward monologue. But this was a different case; she was not telling him there was a murder, this was her telling him about a murder. There was a difference right? Of course, there was.

"Uh, hey Castle, It's me, Beckett, well obviously, but I could really use your help, yes, Castle, your help, stop happy-dancing, on this case. It's truly driving me insane. Well if you're not too busy writing, give me a call back. You don't have to come to the precinct if you don't want to, just give me a call, okay?" She pressed the end button and abruptly ran into the coffee table; she hadn't realized she had started to pace.

A shot of laughter bursted out from Ryan and Esposito who were standing in the doorway.

"Wow, Beckett, for a cop, you aren't that coordinated are you?"

"How long have you been standing there?" She spat, looking awfully embarrassed.

It was Esposito who answered, "He is soo going to do a happy dance."

"I am going to kill you!"

Her voice was loud enough that it made a few of the other detectives look up, but then return to what they were doing when they realized it was Beckett talking. _Did she really say it that ofte_n?

Ryan must have noticed, "Hey, if either one of us turns up dead tomorrow, you'll be the main suspec- 't'." He accentuated the "T" in an attempt to annoy her, which was very much working.

She glanced at her watch and noticed it was 5 minutes after the time she could leave.

"Ryan, if you're done trying to impress Esposito, I think I will be heading out."

She went to her desk, grabbed her coat and left behind a speechless Detective Ryan.

(&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&)

He was almost brought into a land where the real world has no say; where things didn't have to make sense. Where he could go to get away from the problems he had encountered throughout his life that were not solved, only forgotten about temporarily; but it wasn't a perfect solution. None of it was.

This had never happened to him before. He never had a father to lose, for he was already gone; and his daughter was safe at her friend's house, only a 10 minute drive away. Everyone was alive and healthy, and he didn't know what the feeling was when it was reversed, like Kate. He knew he had to do this, but the thought of Kate without him there to protect her almost killed him. _Killed him_. But he was angry, no, he was absolutely livid. How could he let this happen? How could he let her make a part in his heart only cry for her? It was like he had asthma and Kate was his inhaler; and in order for him to survive, he had to grow out of it. _He had to._ Was that even possible? He almost fell into a world where none of this mattered; where he was just happy, when his phone rang.

He was startled, but quickly reached for his phone and looked at the collar I.D. 'No, not yet' he thought and let his phone continue ringing. It was only when it stopped, that he quickly pressed the talk button on his phone and covered the microphone with his hand; so he wouldn't be heard. He heard her voice and tensed.

"Uh, hey Castle, It's me, Beckett, well obviously but I could really use your help, yes, Castle, your help, stop happy dancing," There was no way he could even think about happy dancing right now. "I could use your help on this case. It's truly driving me insane. Well, if you're not too busy writing, give me a call back. You don't have to come to the precinct if you don't want to; just give me a call, okay?"

He heard the line click off, but he stayed on for what felt like hours. He finally hung up when a long, loud beep made him grimace.

In the mix of emotions in his head, one began to grow and manifest throughout him. Anger. He was angry at _her_. He wanted to be angry at her; it made it easier. He had to confront her; she had to see what he was feeling; she had to feel what he was feeling, because it was not fair that all of this was because of her. She had to know that this was all of her fault and she would never be forgiven.

Without thinking twice, he put on his shoes, not caring what he was wearing, and hailed a cab to take to Beckett's place.

(&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&)

The smell of cherries filled the bathroom and invited her inside. Slowly, she let her robe drop to the floor and stepped into the bathtub and let the warm water relax her every muscle and the superfluous amount of bubbles cover her body; constantly popping. She was instantly at ease. When she opened her eyes, she was met by the soft glow of the candles around her. If everything could be her way, she would have made candles and sunsets the only source of light in the world. And maybe, just maybe, her job wouldn't be as necessary because she didn't know how this couldn't instantly calm anyone; even murderers.

She grabbed a pair of leggings and an overlarge t-shirt and put them on. She walked over to the bookcase and trailed her finger across of the spines of her favorite author's books and settled on "Naked Heat".

She was just about to sit down when the doorbell rang. She wasn't expecting anyone, was she? Reluctantly, she placed her book down on the coffee table and looked through the peep hole before she opened the door.

"Castle?" She was very surprised but happy at the same time until she saw his face and his cold dark grey eyes.

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><p><strong>AN: OOOHH CLIFFHANGER! So I tried to give away a little bit in this chapter but it may be kind of tricky to identify. The part about leaving voicemails was my opinion. It gets really awkward because you're basically just talking to yourself. Anyway, thanks for all of your lovely reviews!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey! So I usually never post Author notes at the beginning of the story but I just wanted to get this in your head before you lovely people read on. I changed the time where this takes place. This now takes place in season 4 and knockout never happened. Yes not even the "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate" that is etched in my memory forever. Sigh. I will ramble more at the end so…author's note adjourned! **

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><p>"Castle?" She asked again; but with more concern than irritation. He didn't say anything, but his eyes spoke, no, yelled everything.<p>

Was he mad at her?

Before she could come up with anymore reasons, he took a step inside her apartment and closed the door behind him; his face emotionless.

She was terrified. This was not the Castle she knew and…hell, loved. Of course she loved him; she just wasn't sure what that meant anymore. Maybe that was what was holding her back from telling him that. And really, what did it mean? Was it when you smiled at their jokes, or was it when you couldn't smile unless you knew that _that_ person was ok? Was it when someone said "I will see you later" or was it when someone promised "Always"? Was it when you would mourn for that person if they died, or was it that it that person died, you couldn't even imagine living? For Josh, he was the love that was shown in half of these, she would smile, he would say "See you later", and she would mourn for him, but Castle, he was _always_ there, mentally fighting for _that_ kind of love. The kind she would so rarely fall for.

Would she…no, could she make an exception. Could she break down what's left of the high walls that guarded her from the world? Of course she could make an exception. She did, still have the protection of the castle, _her_ Castle (pun intended), that she knew would always stand there supported by the beams and b_rick_s…right? She couldn't help but note the slight chance that something could happen. That the cruel thing called reality would come crashing in as if they were cannonballs and bow and arrows. After all, she was in New York, with no castles, princes, princesses, or magical creatures; just murderers and cockroaches.

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><p>He knocked and held off on letting his anger slip through and break her door. She would not be happy, and that would be just peachy. He couldn't look into her eyes; he just couldn't. Her eyes were like heroine to him, they would make everything feel better for a while, but then once he would calculate the aftermath, it would all fall apart.<p>

His plan would crash and burn.

The whiff of a burst of wind interrupted his thoughts and Kate stood before him.

"Castle?"

Why did she have to look so damn innocent?

It took him a second, but he soon regained his composure and stiffened, letting it seem on the outside, that he was a corpse of emotion. He took a few steps into the apartment and closed the door behind him.

This was how it had to be and it was now or never. And he wasn't quite sure which one he could handle, if he could get a grasp on either.

His hand was busy in his pocket, fiddling with what was sure to be the end of most of his life.

"Castle, what's going on, is Alexis alright?" God, this was going to be difficult. For once he just wished she was like his two ex-wives, but no, she had to be the Kate Beckett that cared for his family just as much as she cared about him.

"Kate, we need to talk." His voice remained stern; almost scary.

He could feel her eyes trying to break into the metal bars in his cell that he had put around his eyes, making them unreadable. It almost hurt not to help her, and to tell her where the guard kept the imperative keys.

Her brows furrowed, "Is everything okay, Rick?" She motioned him towards the couch, but he was quickly melting into the quicksand that lay below his feet, making him unable to move, "You're starting to scare me."

Answering her seemed nearly impossible, so he took out a folded piece of paper and, tentatively, put it out for Kate to grab. She took it with shaking hands.

She wasn't quite sure what to expect in what was printed on this hastily folded piece of paper, but from the look on Castle's face, it was important.

Too important.

After a silent OK from Rick, she vigilantly began unfolding the piece of paper. It was an email from Paula, his agent.

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><p><em><strong>To-RICHARD CASTLE<strong>_

_**From-PAULA**_

_**Rick,**_

_**This was not my first choice of how to reach you but because you won't answer my phone calls, this will just have to do. I do hope you don't hate me for this, but because you will be too stubborn to except this brilliant offer, I did for you. I know Nikki Heat ratings flew through the roof, but I think your expertise, thanks to the NYPD, would do just as well in other best sellers you will write. On that note, the Russian poker game in "Naked Heat" has rave reviews and Red Tale publishing, in Russia, has offered you a 3 book deal with any story about Russian Mobsters (You must be their favorite writer). The pay, wait for it…TWICE the money you got paid for writing Derek Storm or Nikki Heat! They will provide a very nice place for you to stay for the time it takes you to write the three books, and I thought with Alexis off to college, why stay in New York? I do hope that by now, you have slept with the real Nikki Heat and she is out of your system and you're not attached to anything here in New York. By now I do believe you are awaiting my answer on the phone, but hun, I will not pick up so put down the phone and think of all the reasons why you love me for this. Email me again when you want to know when you leave and all the details.**_

_**You won't regret this,**_

_**Paula**_

* * *

><p>Her stomach dropped to her feet, and she felt the bones in her body begin to disappear, leaving her struggling to keep standing. There was no way that he would accept this, not at all. He wasn't just going to disappear and leave. Leave <em>her<em>.

As her fingers began to shake, a second sheet of paper became visible and she quickly dropped the first email to the floor and began reading the next.

* * *

><p><em><strong>To:PAULA<strong>_

_**From: RICHARD CASTLE**_

_**Paula, **_

_**Since you are not answering your phone or your door, I had to come to the conclusion that this had to be the way to reach you, and although I do not think this e-mail will express my anger to you, it will have to do.**_

_**How dare you? Do you think it would ever occur to you that I HAD a reason to remain in New York? No it didn't, you know why? Because all you care about is my image and how much money I make and while I appreciate that beyond belief, this has gone way to far! Call Red Tale publishing and tell them I will not be moving to Russia; and that is final. **_

_**Richard Castle**_

* * *

><p>She had the slightest glimmer of hope but before she could look up from the important words, she had to read the rest of them and see why he was still so upset.<p>

* * *

><p><em><strong>To RICHARD CASTLE<strong>_

_**From:PAULA**_

_**Oh come on, Rick, if she still means that much to you, ask her to come for all I care. You having a tag along will be way better than you sulking the whole time. I'm sorry that you didn't see this as an amazing opportunity like it is; and Richard? Don't be stubborn. But it is too late to back out and you will be leaving on Saturday, September 17**__**th, **__**your plane takes off from La Guardia at 7:30pm. Your Nikki Heat contract has been terminated and if you don't do this, it will be the end of you as a novelist. So pick your chin up and give me a call. **_

_**Paula**_

* * *

><p>The feeling of Déjà vu washed over her as she noticed the sentiment of her stomach at her feet and the weight of a full backpack on her back, pulling her down slightly. Of course he accepted it, being a novelist was very important to him. He had chosen to go because he knows that if he told her why he was no longer employed she would be very upset because she did this to him. <em>She <em>made him loose one of the things that made him, him. And she would never ever want to take that from him; ever. Even if it meant loosing him for God knows how long; it would be fine as long as she knew he was safe.

Her mouth open and closed several times and each time, only a voiceless breath would manage to escape; each time made Rick shift slightly forward, making sure that whatever words came out from her mouth, he heard very clearly.

The weight of her feet could no longer support her, so she began making her way ever so slightly to the floor; her legs and everything else give out as she went down. She used whatever strength she had left and gave it to her arms hers to support her. She was already vulnerable enough.

Ricks motions were more immediate as he merely fell to his knees along side of her and put his face in his hands. She swallowed hard and reached as far as she could and put a hand on one that Rick used to cover her face.

"Rick…I understand."This was all that she could manage for the time being.

His hands fell from his face, the one that was supported by Kate's, was now firmly tucked to his chest, like he would never let go. He shifted and let his back prop up against the wall. She stared at his face as it turned pale.

"I told you always, Kate."

She could see the strong emotions run higher and higher in his eyes and mind that she had finally had tricked her way into.

Her response was way too quick, "Always is hard to promise, Rick, I didn't want to, but I guess in a way I was expecting it."

He stood up immediately, letting her hand drop to the floor, his face covered in anger and disappointment. His hands balled up into fists, making his knuckles turn white at his sides.

"So that's what you thought all along? That 'always' wasn't true? That eventually I would leave? Tell me Kate, did you even have faith in me at all?" His voice was loud but he was far from yelling.

"No! I did have faith in you, Rick," She paused taking a step forward, "I let you in."

He didn't seem to hear the last thing she said, for he was still wrapping his head around the first.

"You don't have faith in me anymore?" His voice was so almost nonexistent, that if she hadn't been listening closely, she might not have heard it at all.

"Did you not hear me?" Now she was yelling and he returned the favor.

"I heard you say that you did have faith in me! _Did,_ being the key word!" His fists were shaking at his sides.

"I said I let you in!" Her pale face was red, her own fists beginning to shake.

He began walking towards her and as much as she wanted to back up from him, her feet were frozen in place.

"You didn't let me in Kate; I had to throw rocks at the tinted windows just to get a glimpse of what was inside! I thought you trusted me!"

Her response was immediate, "You're leaving me, Castle!"

His face fell and he headed hastily towards the door. She wanted to run after him, but she was just too emotional that she didn't know what the hell was going on. With one hand on the door knob, he turned around and said his last words to Kate.

"You know how to make me stay."

And with that he was out the door.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: Hey! So remember me from the beginning of the chapter? Yeah, well, I'm back (but not wearing black)! So sorry about the almost two week wait, especially with the cliffhanger at the end of my next chapter! I give you all permission to ask Lanie how to kill me and make it look like it was an accident. (But if you did, you won't know the ending!) But, my excuse: I was skipping with my computer in my hand when this dark cloud appeared from out of nowhere and a dark fairy came down and took it! I just now got it back a few hours ago, fyi. **

**SO, I had like the most awesome email names for them but it would NOT let me add them. Darn.**

**And yes, I do realize some of these things, especially Beckett's "I let you in" can be quite dirty. Perverts.**

**Did you guys enjoy the Castle marathon on TNT yesterday? 'CAUSE I DID! (Should have been writing Fanfic, though )**

**I do not own Castle; except for the sand one in my backyard. **


	5. Chapter 5

The hand that had been held to his chest was numb. Every part that he touched, both mentally and physically, was numb. Her heart that he took and kept for himself, her brain that was never caught not thinking about him, her eyes that saw the depths in his and that saw his smile and every detail of him, her ears that always listened to his problems, but more that that his words that enveloped her in comfort, her legs, her feet…and her lips that were once on his, all numb.

She needed to do something… anything. She needed to move around, but she couldn't. She knew this couldn't be healthy, both physically and mentally and if she didn't start getting her blood flowing again she would be in trouble, yet, the only part of her that she seemed to have control over was her memory. For the past, what was it? 12 – 13 hours? All that flowed through her mind was Rick's last words to her.

"You know how to make me stay."

She did know how to make him stay. But she could never be that selfish. She couldn't let his novels have the glooming presence over her shoulders each day, being a reminder of what she took from one of the most important people in her life to have her bliss. She couldn't make that trade; to take away Rick's happiness just so she could have hers. She didn't deserve it at all. Not only would she take away his joy, but the pleasure of everyone who read his books. To everyone who needed that escape from the real world and be somewhere where only Rick Castle could create. She couldn't take away what she used to cope with when her mom was murdered.

She couldn't.

She couldn't, even if she wanted to.

When the beep of the alarm clock from her bedroom began to beep incessantly, she put Kate behind and let Detective Beckett take center stage. She needed only to be detective Beckett; to be hard and cold and keep her emotions locked up in a prison cell in the middle of the ocean, not a vulnerable Kate who let some guy toy with her emotions. Richard Castle needed to become "some guy" and nothing else.

Gripping the leather couch tightly, she forced herself up and step by step made her way into her room to shower and get ready. She had work. Detective Beckett had to go to work. Everything was…routine. There was no humming in the shower, no attempt with makeup or hair, and a small protein bar. She left her building in large strides, all aspects and expressions of her countenance, stolid.

Richard Castle who? Oh yeah, he's a famous writer, right?

* * *

><p>"Hey, Beckett, how's your morning going?" Esposito asked as he swiftly passed from the break room to his desk, a cup of coffee in his hand.<p>

She looked up from her paperwork, slightly agitated from the interruption, when she notices the steaming liquid in Esposito's hand.

"What are you drinking?"

Esposito looked down in his hand, puzzled by her question.

"Uh, Coffee?"

She stood up, and placed both hands on her hips. "And from which coffee maker is that coffee from, Esposito?"

"Castle's," She started moving toward him "Beckett, what's going on?" But before he could say anything else, the mug was ripped from his hands, making hot liquid going everywhere.

Okay so maybe she was more than just a little agitated.

"Beckett, what the hell-" He jumped back in surprise.

"_That_ coffee maker is not to be used, understand me?"

She must have been to the point of screaming because before either of them could say anything else, Ryan came out from behind his desk and stood next to Esposito.

"What's going on?"

"She got mad because I got coffee?" He was so surprised by how Beckett had reacted, that he still wasn't exactly sure what was going on.

"You're damn right I'm mad!"

Ryan took a step towards her and put out a hand that prevented her from going any further.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Beckett?"

It was then, that Montgomery emerged from his office.

"Whoa, whoa, is there a problem?" He asked sternly, moving in between Beckett and the other detectives.

"He's drinking _his_ coffee!" Montgomery's face became an exact replica of both Ryan and Esposito's, and then it clicked.

"Beckett, did something happen between you and Castle?"

"He's not coming back okay! He's off doing more important things with his life than being here and writing Nikki Heat," It looked like Montgomery was going to say something, but she wasn't stopping, "and you know what? I don't care! I don't! Not in the slightest! Because who did he think he was, my pretend partner that I didn't care about? Well now I don't and I know he doesn't, because now, he's in another country, most likely sleeping with some Russian bimbo!"

"Beckett, that's enough."Helooked around to see everyone staring and not working, "Meet me in my office."

"Sir-"

"Now!"

He started back towards his office and looked around, "Everyone, get back to work."

Unwillingly, Beckett began to make her way to the captain's door, red faced, and about to explode with anger. He motioned her to sit down, but she remained standing right behind the two chairs that were tucked into the opposite side of his desk.

"That was absolutely inappropriate!" The captain all but yelled.

"I'm sorry,sir."

"Are you? What happened with Castle, Kate?" his voice was now softer.

It took her a while but she answered, "He received a book deal, something that made him have to move to Russia, and he took it."

He frowned, "That doesn't make sense. He cares way too much about you to just leave like that."

She felt her legs begin to quiver and she slowly sunk into one of the cold yet, almost inviting chair. "He had to do this; otherwise he would have lost his job."

"He would have stayed for you Kate, I know he would have."

"I know."

He gave a knowing nod and reached out for her hand that was curled up into a fist on top of the worn desk.

After a moment Kate spoke,"may I get back to work now, sir?"

Roy sighed. "Are you sure Kate? You could take the rest of the day off, I will understand."

Her answer was immediate. "No sir, I'm fine."

She really was not fine, but she could not be alone, she needed distractions. Distractions were good.

"Okay, but don't hesitate to ask for time off."

She nodded.

"Now go solve the Bamburg case."

"Will do sir."

* * *

><p>She had just moved Han Bamburg, their victim's brother, from the 'person of interest' column to the one called 'suspects' after receiving a mushy alibi, when Ryan and Esposito came out from Montgomery's room, looking both sad and angry. She really did need to apologize.<p>

"Look guys, I'm sorry I just-"

"No need to explain, really."

"No, I do."

"No, you don't."

"We get why you're upset, hell, were upset." Ryan added.

Beckett frowned and sighed before speaking again, "But, I shouldn't have taken it out on you, I was being…I don't know," her head fell and she closed her eyes, "I just don't know."

She felt a warm hand on her shoulder and glanced up to see Esposito looking at her; empathy in his eyes.

"Look, Kate," He never called her that, "I'm not exactly sure what happened and what will happen, but I want you to know that whatever does happens, Ryan and I will back you up one hundred percent."

She was flattered by their concern; they truly were like her big brothers. She could live with this. She could live without_ him_.

She smiled, "Let's solve this damn case."

He let go and they both grinned, "You got it, boss."

* * *

><p>She downed what must have been her fourth cup of coffee and began pacing towards the murder board.<p>

"If Bamburg was into something illegal, there must be a reason. I mean, he's got money, he had the grades. Why would he go into something like this?"

Esposito shrugged, "Maybe he wanted to impress his friends…a girl?"

Beckett turned to face him, "What do you think this is Esposito, high school? And what friends? The guy was a loner."

He sighed.

"Get me the brother back in for interrogation; he's the only connection we have to the victim."

"Beckett, he's already been interviewed." Esposito returned.

"I said interrogate, not interview."

"But-"

"Esposito, the brother is the only thing we have! I'm going to get all the juice out of that lemon before throwing it out!" She was damn near tears.

He nodded and left her sulking by herself in a vacant precinct. It was lunch time and everyone was out; but not her. She wouldn't eat until this case was solved; her victims came first. At least they couldn't break her heart.

Looking at the board, she noticed the hand writing on the death threat. It still bothered her that she didn't understand why it would be handwritten and not typed.

They had gotten nothing from his work; absolutely nothing. He came in when he needed to be there and left when he didn't. Honestly, it didn't even look like he even liked going to work.

This was bad.

It left him with many hours of things he could do in his spare time. It left him with a lot of time to do anything illegal and not get caught, but none of which he kept track of.

Of course.

She had just gotten over her, what must have been a pretty long thought, when Esposito ran in.

"He's gone."

Beckett turned around, "What?"

"He had a few notes about a 'Sin forgiving temple' in Moscow. On his computer, he had just bought a one way ticket."

Beckett was furious, "Call to alert TSA in all airports."

"Beckett, his flight was scheduled for a few days ago. He's already there."

"Well then let's go after him!"

"Beckett, it's going to take a hell of a lot of convincing to talk Montgomery into this."

She started her way to the captain's door. "Well than I will just have to be really convincing."

After 30 minutes in the Captains office, Ryan, Esposito, and Beckett were on their way to Moscow, Russia.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:**

**Reviewer -I'm going to write you a review.**

**Me-Thank you! But I didn't even ask!**

**Reviewer-Yes, you were not asking very loudly.**

**Did you guys see Rise? Hehe.**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: So this chapter is a little different than the rest so bare with me here (will talk more at the end of the story of course). **

* * *

><p>They'd kept to themselves.<p>

They weren't really sure is she had known but if she didn't, they certainly would not be the ones to make 'angry/without- Castle- Beckett' come to the front. But then again, what were the chances? Moscow was home to around 10.4 million people, which didn't even include the visitors! There was no possible way. The odds were just too slim. But then again, they had always seemed to be beating the odds.

Strange.

It was like this _magnetic force _that drives them to each other. Sure opposites attract but did it really go-

"Esposito, Ryan, you can day dream later, come on we need to board."

They snapped out of their silent and almost telepathy-like conversation with each other and turned to face an agitated Beckett.

"Oh, uh, yeah, sure thing," They flashed their badges to get past security and took a seat while they waited to board their plane.

Ryan and Esposito exchanged a wary glance at each other before noticing that Beckett was looking at them, her eyebrow raised.

"Really guys, what's so important that's keeping you from saying more than two words to me?"

Ryan cleared his throat, "Um, Beckett, well, didn't you uh, say that, uh,"

"Spit it out, Ryan" She urged.

"Isn't Castle in Moscow?"

Her expression changed to something neither of them could read.

"Ryan, over a million people live in Moscow, what makes you think that we will just _happen_ to run into him," she asked, "on the street?" She tried to reason. "It would be like running into him in New York, nearly impossible, so let's just drop it okay?"

They nodded, and began to board, taking their seats in coach.

* * *

><p>She jammed the headphones in her ears and turned the volume of the music all of the way up. She just needed to drown everything out. She sat on the seat closest to the window and rested her head against the acrylic material. Closing her eyes, she took a deep sigh and let the lyrics of the song take over her.<p>

_She was dancing; a waltz maybe. There was no audible music. There were sounds yes, but she didn't believe that sounds could count as music._

_She believed that music needed a purpose. That unlike art, music needed to be thought through. Not so much mentally, but emotionally. There was the beat and the vibrato of the voice that sung the lyrics, but where did the beat come from? Did it come from the tapping of a pencil during class, or was it something more? And what about the lyrics that are memorized and well known? Did they come to mind whilst humming in the shower? Sure, such things as these occur, but have you looked pass the literal sense of the setting? Was the beat made in your favorite class, or one that brings you trouble? When you took the shower, did you take it to wash away past events, or did you take it because you were getting ready for a very important date? _

_The music in her ears is not differentiated from the perceptible music that becomes examples such as those previously mentioned. _

_Pausing from her melody, she looked up to the sky and began to sway, knowing that when she swayed, the clouds began to dance along. Laughing, she began to spin in circles until she became dizzy and the clouds (even though she stopped moving) began to dance amongst themselves. Before long, she found herself face to face with the slightly wet soil and she felt the crushed berries beneath her begin to take color on her dress and skin. She laughed and rolled around in the raspberry field making her layered white dress become a light pink color. Then the laughter was gone. She ruined the berries. She should not have messed with them until they were ripe; until they were ready. They needed time and she jumped the gun. But then, she looked again. What she saw wasn't a stained dress, but a beautiful creation. Different shades of red from the raspberries and the white that was left from the dress had created a peach-pink masterpiece. _

_It was fine. _

_She jumped in the pool and began to swim._

_There was no anchor, only a life-preserver. _

* * *

><p>She was jolted awake when her head slammed against the airplane window.<p>

"Shit!" Her sleepy voice let out. She began rubbing the place on her forehead, trying to smooth away the slight throb that it brought on_. _

She looked over at Ryan and Esposito to see them both staring at her like they were waiting for the attack.

"Oh yeah, Beckett, you might want to put your head up, we're going through some rough winds."

Beckett glared at them, "No shit, Sherlock." Her voice had a little more irritation in it than she had meant for it to.

Ryan let out a little laugh, letting her know that he understands.

The earphones had fallen out of her ears sometime during her nap.

That nap in which she had had that _dream_.

What was that even about?

She was dancing in a field of raspberries, then she fell, then her dress became stained. She knew there was a double meaning in there somewhere, but she didn't want to deal with that right now.

"So Ryan, how are things with Jenny?"

Ryan's head shot towards Beckett. He was surprised by her sudden interest in his personal life at a time like this.

He began playing with the band on his finger, "Good. I heard she went dress shopping with her mom the other day."

"You didn't go with her?" Beckett asked, the words rolled out of her mouth before she realized how dumb of a question that was.

Hi reply was quick, "Tradition Beckett, tsk tsk, are you prematurely wishing us bad luck?"

She knew his words were a joke, but she couldn't shrug them off, "Never, Ryan."

After realizing what he had said, he opened his mouth when she spoke again, "So Ryan, any prior trips to Russia?"

He repositioned himself so that he was able to face Beckett without straining his back. "Nope, but I see it will be a reunion for you."

"Yah, but it's been a long time. Things are probably very different." She smiled at the memory, "Plus, we won't be in the same location, so."

"At least we won't look like damn fools finding our way to the warehouse, trying to interpret all of the signs and everything."

She laughed, "Yeah well, let's just hope he is still there."

He nodded, "Yeah, but it still doesn't make sense how the rope ties into all of this. Uh-no pun intended." He continued, "If Han is our guy, what's his connection to the rope? According to the cameras in the zoo, he has not been inside them for the past few days and he does not work there."

"He could have had help. Did you notice anything suspicious when you were going over the tapes?"

"If I did I would have told you-" his brow furrowed, "wait, now that I am thinking about it-I can't believe I overlooked this-"

"What, Ryan?"She urged.

"I guess at the time I did not think it was important but, I did see a man looking at the lizard exhibit."

"Many people look at the lizard exhibit, Ryan."

"The exhibit, Beckett, not the lizards. It was like he was inspecting the area and looking at the-what must have been- the doors through the habitat glasses. You know the ones that they use to enter and exit the cage with?"

"Yes Ryan, I'm not two. Did his face show at all?"

"Mm, only the outline, but I could pick him out from a line up for sure. He was a big man. From the looks of it, he was probably Native American also."

"Okay, now we just need to find Han and see what he has been hiding from us this whole time." She glanced at Esposito, he was out cold.

"Should we wake him up to tell him the information or let him sleep?

"Let him sleep. Jet lag is the worst."

He laughed, "Sounds like the voice of experience."

She began playing with the torn leather on the arm rest of the seat. "A lot of experience; mostly to and from Russia but there was this one summer I spent in France. That was great."

He gave a quick smile and returned to the book he was reading on his iPad.

She was able to spend the next hour or so reading from the book she had managed to grab when she packed a quick bag before they left for the airport. It wasn't one of his books, though. Richard Castle was not something she wanted to read right now. It didn't bring back pain. Kate Beckett didn't let a guy cause her pain emotionally. She tried not to at least. Her life was fine before, she wasn't going to sit around and mope just because Castle left. She couldn't read his stories purely for the reason that she used them as an outlet from her problems, now; it was the source of them. _Why read a book about cats if you hate cats?_

* * *

><p>It had been about two hours since she had started reading her book to finish it. When she looked up, she saw that Esposito was now awake and Ryan was out cold. He was staring at her. Not in a creepy way, but in a way that a brother would stare at his sister when something was bothering her.<p>

"So, you alright?" He asked, breaking the awkwardness.

"Of course." She answered- her voice a little weaker than before. She blamed it on her state of exhaustion.

He frowned, "Really?"

"Esposito, I've lost friends before. This time is no different."

"Beckett come on, we both know he was more than a friend." He bit his lip, almost anticipating a slap or something along those lines, but what he did not expect was what happened.

She looked straight into his eyes through her slightly blurred eyesight. "You're right." He remained silent so she continued. "You're right but I can't do anything about it so-"

"Did he say anything to you before he left?" He knew the question he asked was a personal one so he quickly added, "You don't have to answer that."

"He just told me he had to go otherwise he would lose his job." _He told me he would drop everything if I let him._

She was surprised by how strong her voice remained. She was strong, _is_ strong, she should not be surprised.

"Okay, I know when to take a clue. So, just before Ryan passed out, he started telling me something you guys discovered; something on the security cameras?"

She took a deep breath, letting the remains of emotion from her conversation out with it before answering.

"Yeah," She put her bookmarker in the front of the book and placed it on her lap. "Ryan said he overlooked a Native American man looking at the exhibit and not the animals, so it's something to go on if we need more evidence to convict the brother."

"Wait, Native American? Was he tall?"

"Yeah, Ryan said he looked pretty big. What's up?"

"When I was heading back to my car from the crime scene-now I could just be imagining things- I saw a man, Native American and about 6 foot 2 maybe, looking at the crime scene. He was holding what looked like a handful of dead bugs. It may have been food for the lizards. He could be our connection to the zoo!"

"But we interviewed each person on the list that either worked at the exhibit or volunteered. None of them came up dirty. Plus, Ryan was with us, he said he could pick the guy out from a line up. He would have noticed."

It clicked. "We did, but Beckett, we didn't look past them. We did not look at the people who transported the lizards. Don't they go and visit schools and such?"

"Yes. We'll call the precinct and see if they can't get us a list of events they visited and the names of the drivers once we land."

"Good."

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

"Seating not up to par, Esposito?"

"Actually I think my butt enjoys it so much that it fell asleep."

She laughed and received a few shushes from the people around her.

Looking out her window, she realized that it was almost pitch black. Now to a night of light on and off sleeping that will most definitely not make her the happiest person to be around tomorrow. _Poor Ryan and Esposito_, she thought before falling into a drowsy induced snooze.

* * *

><p><strong>AN: So do you even know who I am anymore?**

**I think I suffered from TWWBE. (The Worst Writer's Block Ever.) **

**I'm not quite sure how I feel about this chapter because there were a few things I want to make clear (plus I wrote this in my phase of writers block, which within I don't think I produce my best work). Just a few things I think you should know from my story…**

**Kate, to me (and from the fights on the show) wouldn't mope around because Castle left and was her whole life. It would be an internal struggle for her, but I believe she would still put up a strong front.**

**One of my reviewers said that Castle would have to agree to leave the contract. Its fiction and I just needed something to go off of, so let's just pretend that it could happen. Also with the whole "leave the country" thing, I don't think that could happen either but once again, its fiction so let's roll with it!**

**The characters might be a little out of character here, but I think that with the absence of Castle, that would happen. I also don't think Kate would go back to the stone detective she was before because Castle did happen and he did change her.**

**Please review (if your eyes don't hurt after reading this long author's note)!**


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